The following is for my educational portfolio, which will have to demonstrate my proficiency in the liberal arts core competencies embodied by Antioch University:
A Mandala of Me
Mandalas are a form of art that is shared by many cultures including Tibetan monks and the indigenous people of North America. Swiss psychologist Carl Jung employed mandalas as a way to see a snapshot of the Self at the time it was created. I keep a sketchbook of personal mandalas as a way to hone my creative energy while practicing art therapy at the same time. Traditionally, a mandala (the Sanskrit word for circle) is divided into quarters and with this analogy I will describe my liberal arts competencies.
Critical and Creative Inquiry
One of the reasons I decided to finish my BA in Psychology was to ultimately get paid to do what I love in helping people find solutions. I realize that I already do that on a daily basis taking calls for a pest control company. I’m more than just an answering service in that I actually have to know how to assess a pest problem and explain to a potential client how we go about treating it and why they should choose my company. This capacity to help people is not enough for me and I want to do it on a more in-depth level, thus enter psychology. When I have downtime at work I surf the internet like anyone else would. But instead of frequenting celebrity gossip sites or hunting for recipes, I research psychological modalities, case studies and theories.
I keep three different journals: one for recording dreams, one for personal reflection and the mandala sketchbook. I also compose original songs that I sing and perform on the piano in my living room—sometimes for an audience, sometimes not. Through undergoing a personal Jungian analysis I have explored where these things come from and what they mean. Before being in therapy I would have said that the songs come from somewhere else, as though I was channeling them. But I now know that they come from me and owning that takes hubris and confidence—two things that I didn’t have for most of my life.
Self in Community
I have a history of agoraphobia and anxiety that has made it difficult to go out and be around people, therefore I’ve never volunteered at a charitable organization. However, several years ago, I did make 125 beaded bracelets for the My Stuff Bag Foundation, which provides personal duffel bags filled with toiletries, toys and blankets for children who were removed from their homes. But I certainly don’t see that as being nearly enough.
One of my goals in studying psychology is to devise and conduct studies that examine the link between obesity and child abuse. But just like I found there is meaning in music and art beyond the actual creation of it, I believe there is meaning in fat. Not just my fat but everyone’s fat. While I attempt to find that meaning I also have to come to terms with the fact that I’m an overweight woman who has to function in society. This is not always an easy task but I’ve made it my personal mission to be an advocate for myself so that I can be an advocate for others. One of the ways I have done this is by bringing the latest scientific research on obesity in the workplace to my general manager when I felt there was a bias against myself and other overweight women in my office. He and I had a private meeting to discuss my concerns, which ended with us both feeling like we had mutual understanding with no hard feelings.
Understanding the World
My ultimate goal in studying psychology is to open a private practice as a Jungian-oriented psychotherapist. Jungian psychology is different from other psychologies in that it acknowledges the Collective Unconscious. Archetypal symbols show up in dreams and creative endeavors and by understanding these images as they reveal themselves on a personal level then I will be better able to understand them on a global level. For instance, I have very little power in my work environment being the person with the least seniority among people who have been with the company for over a decade. Power is an archetypal energy that exists in my personal unconscious that I then project onto the management. Once I realized that power is projected from myself, then I could withdraw it and reclaim it for myself, like when I brought the issue of possible weight discrimination to my superiors. In turn, this view can and should be manifested in a global arena, especially when dealing with populations that are underserved.
The Journey
The final quadrant of the Mandala of Me is the journey. I am nowhere near the destination I envision through the completion of my goals. Even when I graduate Antioch I will still need to finish graduate school and pass a state exam in order to obtain licensure to practice. The time from start to finish is daunting and that’s when I focus on honoring this academic and soulful sojourn. As the platitude goes, it’s one day at a time. But it’s also one class or one professor or one reading at a time that can create the next level of awareness that transforms from the inside out.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
My first college paper in 15 years.
Ego & Archetype Chapter 2 Summary
In chapter two of Ego & Archetype, Edinger introduces the alienated ego by first focusing on the ego-Self axis and the psychic life cycle. The ego-Self axis is a bridge between consciousness and psyche that allows the ego to grow. This inflation of the ego is the first step in the psychic life cycle and is necessary for alienation to take place. Following ego inflation and alienation are repentance, restitution, and once again, renewed inflation. This cycle will repeat itself and each completion of this cycle gradually increases consciousness. This increased consciousness leads to the development of the individual.
Severe despair occurs when the connection to ego and Self is damaged. Consequently, this despair is followed by violence which can be self-directed or directed at other people. This paradigm is paralleled in Genesis in the story of Cain and Abel, when Cain murders Abel after God rejects his offering. This despair causes the alienation of the ego, which always precedes the numinous experience, or awareness of the Self. In art and literature, alienation is often symbolized by the wilderness and in this wilderness is where God is encountered. It is important to note that the ego and Self must be separated in order to experience alienation for it is in the absence of ego that the Self can be made known.
A negative relationship with one’s parents in childhood can disrupt the psychic life cycle, which can later result in an inferiority neurosis in adulthood. In this instance the ego-Self axis must be repaired. This process can take place in psychotherapy through transference (in the form of projection of the Self) from the analysand onto the analyst. Edinger uses the interpretation of a woman’s dream to illustrate this point: a woman who was neglected by her father dreams that soldiers in a frozen wasteland are raping her. However, the final soldier treats her with kindness and takes her to a warm place and feeds her soup. The dream represents the alienation caused by past abuse and the restoration that is currently taking place in therapy.
I have personally experienced how rejection by a parent can cause an inferiority complex as well as how that complex can be repaired through therapy. In my case, a lack of affection and undermining comments from my mother stunted my personal growth, which appeared in the form of anxiety and eventually agoraphobia. Not only did I think I didn’t deserve to be treated well, I believed I wasn’t even fit to be seen in public. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, the transference I experienced with my psychotherapist was seeing her as a mother figure. I felt that she gave me the acceptance and concern I didn’t receive from my own mother and that allowed my own healing to take place. Edinger would say that the feeling of acceptance was in fact a projection from my own Self onto my therapist and feeling that acceptance repaired my ego-Self axis, which allowed the healing to begin.
In chapter two of Ego & Archetype, Edinger introduces the alienated ego by first focusing on the ego-Self axis and the psychic life cycle. The ego-Self axis is a bridge between consciousness and psyche that allows the ego to grow. This inflation of the ego is the first step in the psychic life cycle and is necessary for alienation to take place. Following ego inflation and alienation are repentance, restitution, and once again, renewed inflation. This cycle will repeat itself and each completion of this cycle gradually increases consciousness. This increased consciousness leads to the development of the individual.
Severe despair occurs when the connection to ego and Self is damaged. Consequently, this despair is followed by violence which can be self-directed or directed at other people. This paradigm is paralleled in Genesis in the story of Cain and Abel, when Cain murders Abel after God rejects his offering. This despair causes the alienation of the ego, which always precedes the numinous experience, or awareness of the Self. In art and literature, alienation is often symbolized by the wilderness and in this wilderness is where God is encountered. It is important to note that the ego and Self must be separated in order to experience alienation for it is in the absence of ego that the Self can be made known.
A negative relationship with one’s parents in childhood can disrupt the psychic life cycle, which can later result in an inferiority neurosis in adulthood. In this instance the ego-Self axis must be repaired. This process can take place in psychotherapy through transference (in the form of projection of the Self) from the analysand onto the analyst. Edinger uses the interpretation of a woman’s dream to illustrate this point: a woman who was neglected by her father dreams that soldiers in a frozen wasteland are raping her. However, the final soldier treats her with kindness and takes her to a warm place and feeds her soup. The dream represents the alienation caused by past abuse and the restoration that is currently taking place in therapy.
I have personally experienced how rejection by a parent can cause an inferiority complex as well as how that complex can be repaired through therapy. In my case, a lack of affection and undermining comments from my mother stunted my personal growth, which appeared in the form of anxiety and eventually agoraphobia. Not only did I think I didn’t deserve to be treated well, I believed I wasn’t even fit to be seen in public. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, the transference I experienced with my psychotherapist was seeing her as a mother figure. I felt that she gave me the acceptance and concern I didn’t receive from my own mother and that allowed my own healing to take place. Edinger would say that the feeling of acceptance was in fact a projection from my own Self onto my therapist and feeling that acceptance repaired my ego-Self axis, which allowed the healing to begin.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Who Needs To Know?
In my Abnormal Psychology class last week the professor posed two questions: What is life? And who needs to know? There were varying answers to the first query but none were truly surprising: love, happiness, growth, challenges and other platitudes. I was the first to offer an opinion to the latter “I need to know. As long as I know then it doesn’t matter if anybody else knows.” The next volunteer disagreed with me and said, “Everybody needs to know. If I know you then you need to know everything about me.” Several people nodded in agreement, “Yes, everyone needs to know.”
Part of me felt stupid because no one agreed with me but I was glad I spoke my truth and didn’t wish I had opted to remain silent. Still, I had to wonder why I saw things differently than they did but that’s as far as I got, until today.
I have been met with a spectrum of reactions since I announced that I was going back to school, not just to finish a degree, but also to eventually become a psychotherapist. To everyone else I guess it seemed to just come out of left field but this is something I had been pondering for well over a year. Most people are supportive, including the ones that count the most: loved ones, of course, but also the owner and general manager of the company for which I work. I was counting on them to be flexible with my schedule to allow for my studies and they obliged. You would think the hard part would be over. But no, enter the Shadow Struggle.
Shadow Struggle is a term I coined in therapy when discussing my office manager. She’s not the same office manager I have complained about in the past (she was demoted) but a gal who started working for the company about a year ago. Eight months into this gig she was promoted to office manager. I was a bit hurt at the time because I had always mentioned my desire to have a managerial position within the company. I was always told that position didn’t exist but it would one day, which made me think that when it did exist I would be in the running. I dusted off my bruised ego and told myself it’s not what I really wanted anyway. All I really needed to do was keep working to put myself through school. So where does the shadow struggle come in? Before Ms. Newbie was promoted and she was just a peon underling like me, I had told her about my plan to go back to school and kept her updated on my application process. She was very supportive while I was planning on going to a state university. Then things changed once my heart was set on a private university and I was accepted with record speed. There was a definite shift. I was no longer asked how my plans were coming along. If I offered information I was met with a cool “Oh, well that’s nice.” Enter the Shadow Struggle. I soon realized that the office manager would have liked to finish college but an unplanned pregnancy got in the way. She has the two things that I don’t have: a high paying job and a kid. I’ve always wanted both but life hasn’t worked them out for me yet. As I’m getting older I have accepted the fact that I will probably never give birth to my own child (but that’s a story for the future.) In turn, I am getting the education that having a child prevented her from having. Our phantom ambitions played foils to each other and prevent us from getting along.
So who needs to know? My answer is still the same: I do. I am the only one who can know my purpose and I am the only one who can get me to where I want to be. Just today I was on the receiving end of some petty, vindictive behavior for pointing out a mistake the office manager made. I didn’t do it to be mean but because her mistake caused an inconvenience for a client and as a company we pride ourselves on client care. In dealing with childish office politics I have to know what my life is about in order to navigate to the other side. The “I know” is my compass faithfully directing me to the True North of my potential.
Part of me felt stupid because no one agreed with me but I was glad I spoke my truth and didn’t wish I had opted to remain silent. Still, I had to wonder why I saw things differently than they did but that’s as far as I got, until today.
I have been met with a spectrum of reactions since I announced that I was going back to school, not just to finish a degree, but also to eventually become a psychotherapist. To everyone else I guess it seemed to just come out of left field but this is something I had been pondering for well over a year. Most people are supportive, including the ones that count the most: loved ones, of course, but also the owner and general manager of the company for which I work. I was counting on them to be flexible with my schedule to allow for my studies and they obliged. You would think the hard part would be over. But no, enter the Shadow Struggle.
Shadow Struggle is a term I coined in therapy when discussing my office manager. She’s not the same office manager I have complained about in the past (she was demoted) but a gal who started working for the company about a year ago. Eight months into this gig she was promoted to office manager. I was a bit hurt at the time because I had always mentioned my desire to have a managerial position within the company. I was always told that position didn’t exist but it would one day, which made me think that when it did exist I would be in the running. I dusted off my bruised ego and told myself it’s not what I really wanted anyway. All I really needed to do was keep working to put myself through school. So where does the shadow struggle come in? Before Ms. Newbie was promoted and she was just a peon underling like me, I had told her about my plan to go back to school and kept her updated on my application process. She was very supportive while I was planning on going to a state university. Then things changed once my heart was set on a private university and I was accepted with record speed. There was a definite shift. I was no longer asked how my plans were coming along. If I offered information I was met with a cool “Oh, well that’s nice.” Enter the Shadow Struggle. I soon realized that the office manager would have liked to finish college but an unplanned pregnancy got in the way. She has the two things that I don’t have: a high paying job and a kid. I’ve always wanted both but life hasn’t worked them out for me yet. As I’m getting older I have accepted the fact that I will probably never give birth to my own child (but that’s a story for the future.) In turn, I am getting the education that having a child prevented her from having. Our phantom ambitions played foils to each other and prevent us from getting along.
So who needs to know? My answer is still the same: I do. I am the only one who can know my purpose and I am the only one who can get me to where I want to be. Just today I was on the receiving end of some petty, vindictive behavior for pointing out a mistake the office manager made. I didn’t do it to be mean but because her mistake caused an inconvenience for a client and as a company we pride ourselves on client care. In dealing with childish office politics I have to know what my life is about in order to navigate to the other side. The “I know” is my compass faithfully directing me to the True North of my potential.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Have To Drive
I decided to become a Jungian therapist a year and a half ago. It just came to me one day, I don’t really remember when or how, it just was. Not knowing how one goes about this task, I asked my therapist Leslie. She told me “You have to find a school that will teach Jung.” She said it in such a way that it seemed as though it may be difficult. I think in my mind at the time I equated difficult with impossible and too daunting to think about any further for a while. She also said I would have to get a bachelor’s degree (in anything I wanted, her suggestion was music for me) and then get a master’s degree in psychology and then you can get licensed and practice. For some reason I thought there were “counseling programs” to train you and no actual college degrees were required. This is all highly laughable to me now and shows how little I knew about what it means to be a Jungian psychotherapist.
Several months later, I was unable to sleep in the middle of the night and did a search for “colleges that teach Jung” on my Mac. I wasn’t finding programs that were called Jungian Studies but programs in Depth Psychology that included Jung’s theories in their programs. Again, it’s very funny to me because I had no clue what depth psychology was and found myself asking Leslie at our next session. She explained that Depth Psychology is the umbrella and Jung would fall within it, along with Freud and others who studied the Unconscious. She asked me what schools I had found and was Pacifica Graduate Institute one of them? Yes, actually it was! But it’s in California. However there is a school in Seattle called Antioch that teaches depth psychology. She looked at me smiling and said, “You’ll get a great education at Antioch.”
I saw a few immediate problems, the first being that Antioch is in Seattle and I don’t drive to Seattle. The second was that it’s a private university and the tuition was pretty high and why spend that much money just to finish an undergrad degree? Once again, I put the idea to bed for a little while.
Fast-forward to earlier this year when I had my “epiphany” (for lack of a better word) that if I didn’t go back to school soon to get the degrees I need I would never become a psychotherapist. I decided to apply to the new University of Washington campus in Bothell, which wasn’t too far from home and offered a new degree in Community Psychology. It seemed interesting enough but the classes are held during the day, which would mean I would have to quit my job and find something in the evenings. And I wasn’t really too thrilled about the likelihood of taking classes with kids fresh out of high school. Even still, I applied in February for winter quarter 2011. When I didn’t hear anything right away I began to get worried I wouldn’t get accepted. And if that was the case, what was my Plan B?
Enter Antioch University. I started poking around their website and found out they are a school that is geared towards working adults and only offers classes in the evenings. Well that would cut out the teenybopper factor and eliminate the need to find a new job. Plus, you could design your own degree program. I would be able to combine concentrations in Psychology an Spiritual Studies (a combination of depth and transpersonal psychologies) to prepare me for my ultimate goal: graduate work at Pacifica in Santa Barbara, California—the premier institute for Jungian studies and depth psychology. Antioch was looking that the perfect school for me. I applied to Antioch in March and got called for an interview in April and was accepted in May. I have yet to hear from UWB.
There was still that issue with driving. I had turned my initial statement of “I can’t go to Antioch because it’s in Seattle and I don’t drive to Seattle” around into “I will learn to drive in Seattle so that I can attend Antioch.” But I still had to do it and I had to do it fast because orientation was being held two weeks after I got my acceptance letter. I thought I would have a whole summer to leisurely practice driving to convoluted, one-way street laden Seattle but life had something different planned for me. I did two practice drives with my boyfriend over the next two Saturdays and then I would be solo for Monday’s event. I was nervous all day long with shaking, no appetite and constant bathroom breaks. Then it was time to go. And as I got on the highway, I was fine. I got off the highway and carefully navigated my way through downtown with hyper vigilance. But I was fine. My gps announced “Antioch on your right” and I was there and I was fine. Now came the part of meeting a bunch of strangers. And again I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine--I was at home. All the anxiety about getting there dropped away because I knew I was in exactly the place I needed to be. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that before. In that concrete building in Seattle that was a symbol of no-man’s-land for so long I had found a place where I belonged. And now the driving seemed like nothing because the driving leads me here.
I have to drive. I drive my car to school so that I can drive my ambitions. One day I will drive to California and drive to my ultimate goal. And then I will drive some more to destinations yet to be realized. I will drive. And I will be fine.
Several months later, I was unable to sleep in the middle of the night and did a search for “colleges that teach Jung” on my Mac. I wasn’t finding programs that were called Jungian Studies but programs in Depth Psychology that included Jung’s theories in their programs. Again, it’s very funny to me because I had no clue what depth psychology was and found myself asking Leslie at our next session. She explained that Depth Psychology is the umbrella and Jung would fall within it, along with Freud and others who studied the Unconscious. She asked me what schools I had found and was Pacifica Graduate Institute one of them? Yes, actually it was! But it’s in California. However there is a school in Seattle called Antioch that teaches depth psychology. She looked at me smiling and said, “You’ll get a great education at Antioch.”
I saw a few immediate problems, the first being that Antioch is in Seattle and I don’t drive to Seattle. The second was that it’s a private university and the tuition was pretty high and why spend that much money just to finish an undergrad degree? Once again, I put the idea to bed for a little while.
Fast-forward to earlier this year when I had my “epiphany” (for lack of a better word) that if I didn’t go back to school soon to get the degrees I need I would never become a psychotherapist. I decided to apply to the new University of Washington campus in Bothell, which wasn’t too far from home and offered a new degree in Community Psychology. It seemed interesting enough but the classes are held during the day, which would mean I would have to quit my job and find something in the evenings. And I wasn’t really too thrilled about the likelihood of taking classes with kids fresh out of high school. Even still, I applied in February for winter quarter 2011. When I didn’t hear anything right away I began to get worried I wouldn’t get accepted. And if that was the case, what was my Plan B?
Enter Antioch University. I started poking around their website and found out they are a school that is geared towards working adults and only offers classes in the evenings. Well that would cut out the teenybopper factor and eliminate the need to find a new job. Plus, you could design your own degree program. I would be able to combine concentrations in Psychology an Spiritual Studies (a combination of depth and transpersonal psychologies) to prepare me for my ultimate goal: graduate work at Pacifica in Santa Barbara, California—the premier institute for Jungian studies and depth psychology. Antioch was looking that the perfect school for me. I applied to Antioch in March and got called for an interview in April and was accepted in May. I have yet to hear from UWB.
There was still that issue with driving. I had turned my initial statement of “I can’t go to Antioch because it’s in Seattle and I don’t drive to Seattle” around into “I will learn to drive in Seattle so that I can attend Antioch.” But I still had to do it and I had to do it fast because orientation was being held two weeks after I got my acceptance letter. I thought I would have a whole summer to leisurely practice driving to convoluted, one-way street laden Seattle but life had something different planned for me. I did two practice drives with my boyfriend over the next two Saturdays and then I would be solo for Monday’s event. I was nervous all day long with shaking, no appetite and constant bathroom breaks. Then it was time to go. And as I got on the highway, I was fine. I got off the highway and carefully navigated my way through downtown with hyper vigilance. But I was fine. My gps announced “Antioch on your right” and I was there and I was fine. Now came the part of meeting a bunch of strangers. And again I was fine. In fact, I was more than fine--I was at home. All the anxiety about getting there dropped away because I knew I was in exactly the place I needed to be. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that before. In that concrete building in Seattle that was a symbol of no-man’s-land for so long I had found a place where I belonged. And now the driving seemed like nothing because the driving leads me here.
I have to drive. I drive my car to school so that I can drive my ambitions. One day I will drive to California and drive to my ultimate goal. And then I will drive some more to destinations yet to be realized. I will drive. And I will be fine.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Accepted!
It’s official! I will be starting Antioch University in the fall. I opened the letter right in the middle of the driveway despite the drizzle and quickly scanned for the only word I cared about: accepted. Isaias gave me a huge hug and I immediately started sobbing so hard the tears filled up my glasses. I wasn’t crying merely because I was admitted because I knew I would be, even before I applied. In fact, the woman who interviewed me said that I was a strong applicant and exactly the kind of person they were looking for. She said she would recommend me for admission and “see me in the fall.” I was crying because my dreams are starting to come true and a dream realized is a strange feeling. I am going to finish my BA and eliminate all the guilt I had for not finishing it when I was so close over a decade ago. And then I will go to graduate school to get an MA in Counseling Psychology and I will be able to start a private practice. The Plan that I made for myself at the beginning of the year is coming into fruition…and fucking WOW.
There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. There will be a last day at my current job. There will be a day when I don’t have to dread dealing with those difficult dysfunctional people. There will be a day when I will do what I do best and make money doing it!
My interviewer asked me simply at the beginning of our meeting “Why Antioch?” I told her that I had a very specific goal of doing graduate work in depth psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute and that an education at Antioch would be the best first step I could give myself. And so it begins, “the adventure the hero is ready for is the one that he gets,” said Joseph Campbell. I am ready for my adventure and I am equipped with everything that I need, including the thing that I haven’t had in the past—outside support. I have the support of a loving and wonderful man who has never discouraged me from following my path. And I have an excellent network of friends who have been my cheerleaders every step of the way. And I have my amazing psychotherapist who told me at our first session that everything I need to be successful can be found inside me. And that is why this time will be different.
I am on my way.
There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. There will be a last day at my current job. There will be a day when I don’t have to dread dealing with those difficult dysfunctional people. There will be a day when I will do what I do best and make money doing it!
My interviewer asked me simply at the beginning of our meeting “Why Antioch?” I told her that I had a very specific goal of doing graduate work in depth psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute and that an education at Antioch would be the best first step I could give myself. And so it begins, “the adventure the hero is ready for is the one that he gets,” said Joseph Campbell. I am ready for my adventure and I am equipped with everything that I need, including the thing that I haven’t had in the past—outside support. I have the support of a loving and wonderful man who has never discouraged me from following my path. And I have an excellent network of friends who have been my cheerleaders every step of the way. And I have my amazing psychotherapist who told me at our first session that everything I need to be successful can be found inside me. And that is why this time will be different.
I am on my way.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Interview!!!
Got a call today to set up my interview at Antioch University! So fitting that I got this call at work, at the very same desk where everything started to happen to me. It really came full circle. I'll be meeting with an admissions adviser on May 10 so that gives me plenty of time to find the perfect outfit and rehearse my "story" so that I don't go blank. I am excited and was shaking after the call but my "calm focus" has returned. Unusual for me, but I like the change.
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